If you’re like every other woman on earth, you’ve had a guy tell you, “I need space.” This phrase isn’t always the kiss of death for your relationship. Men are bad at expressing their emotions, so I (a man) will decode what else he could be trying to tell you.
Disclaimer: If you think you’re in an abusive relationship, call the National Domestic Abuse Hotline: 800-799-7233.
Why do men need space?
This might sound stereotypical, but it’s rooted in biology – men need more space than women. Their brains are wired differently and require more room to function effectively.
It’s hard to believe, but not too long ago, the roles of men and women were drastically different than they are today. Then, men were the hunters, and women were the gatherers/nurturers.
Women stayed at home taking care of the children and preparing food, while men were out in the wild risking their lives to bring back food for their families. This would sometimes require them to be gone for days or weeks.
Contrary to popular belief, women need to be more connected to people, both physically and emotionally. This is because women bear the children, and they are their primary caregivers. So they must have a solid emotional bond with the people around them.
It’s important to understand that the biology of men and women is very different. This is because, throughout history, the two sexes have had different roles to ensure the survival of our species.
While most of us don’t live like cavemen, our biology has not changed much since then. Many of the behaviors and instincts that we exhibit today result from our evolutionary past.
It’s normal for men to be biologically wired to leave the “nest” for long periods, even in the 21st century! It’s something that has been passed down through evolution.
This is because men have always been responsible for providing for their families, which necessitates traveling away from home for extended periods.
So, what does it mean when a guy says he needs time?
1. He wants to break up
It’s over. And he’s stalling the inevitable because he doesn’t want to cause any conflict. So instead, he’ll say something like this:
- “Babe, I need some space.”
- “I think we need to take a break.”
- “I need some time to think.”
When he says he needs time, he’s saying that he doesn’t want to go through the stress of breaking up with you. He doesn’t want to hurt you, and he doesn’t want to feel bad about himself. He’s hoping you’ll eventually get the idea and break up with him.
2. He’s thinking about the easiest way to leave
He’s been spending too much time alone to figure out how to best break up with you.
He’s done with the relationship but doesn’t want to feel like a bad guy. And he doesn’t want to hurt your feelings. So if he’s kind, he’ll break the news as lovingly as possible.
He’ll be honest. It may be hard to hear why he wants to break up, but he cares enough about you not to lead you on.
If he’s an asshole, he’ll send you a breakup text message. Or he might decide to avoid conflict altogether by ghosting you.
Ghosting is the worst thing any of us can do. If this is how he ends the relationship, you’ve just dodged a bullet, girl.
3. He’s using you for sex
He hits you up every couple of days, just long enough to meet all his needs. And those “needs” you’re meeting for him could be any of the following:
- Sleeping with him
- Money (do you buy him stuff/pay bills for him?)
- Ego boost (do you compliment him often?)
He’s testing the waters to see how often he can use the “I just need some space” excuse. He wants you near him, so he can get his needs met while not having to commit to you.
He’s just looking for a good time. And while you’re meeting his every need, he’s actively looking for someone else.
4. He’s having an affair
He’s spending his “alone time” with another woman.
While this is a possibility, it’s also the least common scenario. That said, how can you tell if he’s having an affair?
Here are some signs he could be cheating on you:
- He’s started pulling away emotionally
- He’s spending much less time with you
- He’s staying late at work
- He’s hiding his texts from you
- He gets startled easily
- He’s taking better care of his appearance
- He tells you he needs alone time, ALL THE TIME
Don’t jump to conclusions with this. Instead, analyze his behavior as a whole and see if there are any other signs he might be sleeping with another woman other than just needing time alone.
Then, and only then, think about taking the next step. He might very well want to stay in a committed relationship with you.
5. He has hobbies that don’t interest you
Maybe he likes Legos (specifically pirate ship Lego sets from the 1990s). And he’s got a secret storage unit where he assembles them.
And you have no idea. Fair enough, because he’s never told you. Maybe he’s embarrassed, or it’s just part of his life he’d like to keep private. What he’s doing during his “alone time” is spending quality time with himself, having a great time, which is perfectly healthy.
Your man would communicate everything to you in an ideal world, including his nerdy hobbies. A possible reason for him wanting to hide this from you could be embarrassment, fear of judgment, etc.
Embrace this nerdy side of your boyfriend. 99% of the time, he’ll be so excited that you showed any amount of interest. He’ll be DYING to share this part of his life with you.
6. He’s stressed about something
Men process stress by spending time alone with their thoughts.
Back in the day, when a man needed to problem-solve or de-stress, he would leave the tribe and spend time alone in the wilderness with his thoughts. Then, he’d spend that “alone time” processing whatever was bothering him.
On the other hand, women would seek the advice of other members of the tribe. And this pattern still exists today for both men and women. However, men and women process things differently. So if he says he needs space, he might just be taking much-needed time to process things.
7. He’s setting boundaries
Don’t misinterpret his need for space as anything other than him setting healthy boundaries.
If you’re in a new relationship and spend every waking moment together, you might notice your guy starting to pull away slightly.
Let him pull away a bit. It’s okay.
This is healthy for both of you. He’s communicating a need to have his own private life, apart from you. And you should want one too, away from him.
A few years ago, I had just started a new relationship. She and I couldn’t get enough of each other. The sex was excellent, and so was the conversation. We saw each other every day for three weeks straight. But, after a little while, I began to feel smothered. I wasn’t getting the much-needed time to myself.
IT HURT HER FEELINGS when I told her that I needed to take a few days to myself. Over the next few days, she texted me non-stop, asking me if I was mad at her and what she’d done wrong. This pattern kept repeating. The relationship didn’t work out. My attempt at setting a healthy boundary was misinterpreted as I lost interest in her.
8. His family Members don’t like you
You’ve always prided yourself on being one of those girlfriends who was “great with moms.” But ever since you met his family, your boyfriend’s been acting a bit weird towards you.
The strange thing is, you thought dinner at his parent’s house went great! You brought a bottle of wine. His parents told a few embarrassing stories about your boyfriend from when he was a kid. You shared some of your own. You even offered to help clean up after dinner. So what gives?
Who knows? His parents may have different politics than you. Maybe they have an unhealthy dislike for brunettes. Maybe they’re Satanists. If he’s started acting distant right after you met his family, it could mean that they’ve told him that they disapprove of you.
Think on the bright side. When we get married, we marry our in-laws. So if they hate you now, you’ve just avoided years of misery at the end of the day.
9. He desperately needs solitude
Men are characteristically bad at communicating their needs. So while you two have been spending a lot of time together (which you love), his soul is crying out for some time alone.
As I mentioned earlier, men “leave the tribe” to decompress. Women turn to their tribe to process things. So what does it mean when a guy says he needs time? It means he needs time alone. That’s it.
Nowhere can man find a quieter or more untroubled retreat than in his own soul.– Marcus Aurelius
Let not your heart be troubled. The guy just needs some time alone. The only way he knows how to tell you he needs to reclaim his own life is to pull back.
10. He needs time to cool down
Did you guys recently have a big argument? Did something happen at work that pissed him off? Is he having a hard time lately?
He might need a little bit of space to cool down, which is good. Rather than emotionally exploding on you and saying something he’d regret, he’s taking a healthy break to gather his thoughts and come back to you the next day in a more loving frame of mind.
A man with well-honed emotional intelligence is a rare thing. He’d communicate to you about why he’s upset in an ideal world. But a lot of us men can be quick to anger. If your guy recognizes that he’s upset about something and needs time to cool off, it’s a good thing.
Give him the space to calm down and come back to you.
11. He feels smothered
What happens when you try to squeeze a bar of soap? It goes flying out of your hand.
The same is true with people. The more you hold on to him, the more he will pull away. So how will you know if he’s feeling smothered?
Why won’t he tell you how he feels? It’s not an easy conversation to have. While he might feel smothered, the last thing he wants to do is hurt your feelings or cause an argument. How does this sentence make you feel?
“Babe, I’m feeling smothered by you.”Super honest boyfriend
It’s triggering. And it hurts your feelings. So instead of being honest with you, he’s opting to take a “safer” route and tell you that he needs time alone. The best way to know if he’s feeling smothered is to ask him.
12. He’s passive-aggressive
He’s giving you the silent treatment.
You guys just got in a fight, and rather than settling the argument on the spot, he’s pulling away from you to “teach you a lesson.” We’ve all been guilty of this at some point in our relationships.
When I argue with my partner, I sometimes walk away for a few hours, hoping my absence will be incentive enough to get her to run back to me (it rarely works).
When he says that he “needs time alone,” what he’s saying is, “I’m mad at you, so I’m going to make you miss me.”
He’s passive-aggressively punishing you for something—time to move on.
13. He genuinely needs space to recharge
Give your man the benefit of the doubt.
Men typically don’t sugarcoat things. If he says that he needs some time alone, he needs time alone. It has nothing to do with you. The need for space is even more pronounced in introverted men. Introverts recharge by spending time alone.
Think about how you would communicate with your best friend. Try this with him. Bonus points if he already is your best friend.
Remember, spending time alone is an essential aspect of any healthy relationship.
14. He Has Closed Off Body Language
Closed postures are a type of body language that often indicates insecurity, disagreement, or general disinterest in the person they’re talking to. However, this can also indicate that the other person needs space and isn’t feeling up for conversation.
Men will typically cross their arms and tuck their hands close to their bodies, while women may fold their legs and arms.
15. You’re arguing more than Normal
When you and your partner can’t stop fighting, it’s a sign that things are going downhill. It’s not healthy for either of you to be constantly upset, so it might be time to take a break.
This doesn’t mean you have to give in to his demands for time off. It simply means that you give your relationship the time it needs to heal.
It’s time for a break. Both of you need some space to yourselves. But, don’t avoid the importance of taking some time apart – it will only make things worse in the long run. When you finally come back together, you’ll appreciate each other more, and your relationship will be stronger.
16. He’s constantly canceling plans
It seems like he’s always finding ways to avoid spending time with you – from delaying that trip to the museum to canceling on date night. As a result, you’re not sure if he wants to be around you.
It doesn’t mean he doesn’t care about you. Maybe he’s just exhausted and needs some time to recharge.
It’s not the end of the world if you and your partner take a little break. But, it might do you both some good! He can spend time with his friends or family, and you can focus on yourself. It’ll give him a chance to miss you, and when he comes back around, you’ll be able to appreciate each other even more. If he says he needs space, listen to him and give him what he needs.
17. He Doesn’t Plan anything
anythinge when your guy is unavailable, you can tell that he needs space when he doesn’t attempt to initiate plans with you. This usually means he’s not interested in continuing the relationship and needs some time alone.
It would make even more of a difference if he were the one who always planned your dates.
I know this might not be what you want to hear, but he was just trying to be honest with you. He meant that there are other things he would like to do without you.
18. The Emotional Distance Is Real
You know your man well, whether you’ve been together for a while. So when he starts to act distant and withdrawn, it’s easy to tell that something is wrong. Likewise, emotional distance is often a sign that he’s not feeling happy or satisfied with the relationship.
You will sense that something is wrong, that he talks less, initiates sex less often, and overall seems more impersonal.
Some men have difficulty asking for what they want, so they’ll shut down instead. If this is the case, it may be better to broach the subject with him first. Often, this will help him feel more comfortable and willing to open up.
19. He’s Suddenly Brutally Honest
When all else fails, some men will resort to brutal honesty.
He might have been too subtle, or he just doesn’t have time for games. But in any case, you should be grateful that your man is honest enough to tell you that he needs more space.
Applaud him for his efforts, and let him have what he desires.
20. He’s Never There
He’s always playing video games. You try texting him, to no avail. So next, you try a phone call. No answer.
If you find that your man is becoming less and less available, it’s a sign he needs some space. This could mean he’s emotionally unavailable, physically unavailable, or both.
Regardless of the reason, it’s important to respect his need for space and understand that this doesn’t mean he wants to end the relationship.
It’s not that he doesn’t care about you; it’s just that he would rather spend his time doing something else. It might be hard to hear, but the simplest way to say it is that he doesn’t want to spend time with you.
He’s been distant and preoccupied lately. Maybe the relationship is getting too much for him to handle, or maybe he has other things on his mind that should not concern you. Either way, it’s essential to give him some space and time to get himself together.
He’ll come back around when he’s ready.
21. He Tells You He Needs a Break
When your guy starts talking about the possibility of taking a break from the relationship, it means he’s already reached his limit. He needs some space away from you to clear his head and figure out what he wants.
Many men would instead take extreme measures, like disappearing off the grid or lying to you, to avoid dealing with all the questions that come along with a break-up. However, others may just be upfront and ask for an official break from the relationship.
If this is the first time he’s acted this way, don’t worry. It doesn’t mean they want to break up with you; it could just mean that they need some time alone to recharge.
Let him take some time off, but make sure he sets up a meeting with you once he’s had a chance to relax and clear his head. That way, you can talk about what’s been going on and see how you can work together to improve the situation.
The important thing is that he’s communicating with you.
What does it mean when a guy says he needs time? 99% of the time, he means precisely that. He needs to step away from you for a bit (or a long time) to refresh and come back to you at 100.
The other 1% of the time, he’s most likely lost interest and plans to break up with you. But it’s not too late. You can fix things. This video by relationship expert James Bauer shows you the simple, powerful words that you can say to your man to make him addicted to you.
If you want to maintain a serious relationship, then watching this video is the best thing you can do at this moment.